U Leave Me Breathless - Artist Notes
Last fall, I sang out of tune in a ₩5,000 solo karaoke booth, located in a jimjilbang. Like my mother, I actually find noraebang to be incredibly traumatic. To me, I feel most vulnerable when singing and shitting. U Leave Me Breathless is a digital installation that recreates those intimate experiences, in public. And with Montreal Chinatown’s history of gentrification and toilets, this project could have only existed in Place Sun-Yat-Sen. During it’s creation, I overcame my fear of singing and dancing in public.
This project was conceived by Thy Anne Chu Quang and created in collaboration with Atelier Céladon during the summer of 2018. This was a very transformative time in my life, as an artist. Initially, I didn’t want to participate in a project that involved a collaboration but I kept seeing signs, karaoke dreams, as if I was destined to do this project. Synchronicities kept recurring and everything seemed to be on our side, making this one of the easiest projects I’ve ever worked on. Of course, it helped having Thy Anne constantly console and feed me throughout the process.
My main intention out of this project was to have fun - a very difficult thing for me to do. I had only been creating to benefit my career, ignoring the experiences that would have been enjoyable and eventually, fruitful. I wanted to create for no reason. It had been four years since I enjoyed creating and I wasn’t producing anything I was proud of. But then, I had just quit two jobs and had nothing to prove. It wasn’t about making something original or beautiful, but honest. And this project was so honest, so relevant, so me!
The biggest challenge I faced was dealing with imposter syndrome. It was unbelievable for me that an organization would respect, fund and trust a young artist with an installation of this size, especially when I have never done this kind of work before. Never in my experience in animation and the games industry, had an opportunity like this present itself. It felt validating to be trusted. Even after finishing, I still feel like a phony. But I told myself that it is better to be scared, to be embarrassed and to create the unknown, than to be looking on from the sidelines. There were never any rules. I figured out what I wanted to do and learned how to make it possible along the way. As long as it looked cool, it was successful. And that thought was relieving.
I wanted to create a Vocaloid based off a version of myself to embody my experience navigating geek culture as a Korean-Canadian woman. The Vocaloid replicates dances from Kpop performances. I had been working in games and in hentai for the last two years, dancing for all the weebs I served. The Vocaloid software gave opportunity to musicians to create anonymously behind a 16 year-old Vocaloid, Hatsune Miku. Reminding me of mass-produced Kpop idols and pop stars such as Lana Del Rey, the Vocaloid acts as an empty shell that brings anonymity to multiple voices. They breathe her to life.
Initially corporately created, the Vocaloid phenomenon exists because of the internet and is fundamentally grass-roots. Almost all elements of this piece has been either rented or downloaded. Sort of like objet trouvé but like a free, downloadable, open-sourced, DeviantArt woman. The Vocaloid was created entirely with open-source and free-ware programs. Working as a commercial artist for so long, I guess wasn’t ready to make something from scratch. I see this project as a prologue experiment and hope the Vocaloid will evolve and eventually take a life of her own. This is her awakening. In some of the videos, she even steps away from her ‘center of origin’.
Friday felt like a dream. It went beyond my expectations and it still amazes me that we managed to create such a warm, accessible space. I feel so thankful to have been able to provide a memory for those who decided to spend their Friday night with us. Everyone was dancing to the songs I love. People were stepping out of the toilet, turning the mic off, holding hands, eating, dancing. We broke myths, left doors ajar.
This summer, I listened to a lot of The Cure and music I loved as a teenager. Those were the English songs we used to sing, the ones you find at the back of the song book. I think of the dated videos my young, drunk parents would sing. The songs weren’t updated - delayed trends from the motherland. Those memories are of my parent’s memories, solidified and made mine once again. I’m still scared of singing.
But I’ve been singing a lot more lately.
,Grace
( ˘ ³˘)~~♥